Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
