You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
