I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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