its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
