I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
