Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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