I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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