They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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