Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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