i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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