did you get engaged???
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
