brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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