so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
