i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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