you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
