My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
