Your face is a jimmy john
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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