I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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