I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
