Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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