I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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