Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
