I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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