Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
