Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
