and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
