You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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