We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
