im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
