remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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