Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
