I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
