I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
