Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
