no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
