She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize