he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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