I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
