I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Vodka?
Forever.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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