I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
