I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
