Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize