i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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