apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize