Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I don't want my vagina anymore.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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