The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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