I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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