I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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