i just wanna soil my oats bro
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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