Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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