I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
