im drinking this country out of the recession.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
