In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i drank out of a bidet.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
