I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
