I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
that may or may not have been my penis.
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