i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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