it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
