yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
