Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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