you guys were way drunker than both of me
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
