I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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