my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
