I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
